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<h1>I</h1>


<p>I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of
the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of the
first person and singular number. Its plural is said to be <i>We</i>, but how there can be more than one
myself is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this
incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but fine. The
frank yet graceful use of “I” distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the
latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">Ichor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,</p>
<p class="poetry">Restrained the raging chief and said:</p>
<p class="poetry">“Behold, rash mortal, whom you’ve bled—</p>
<p class="poetry">Your soul’s stained white with ichorshed!”</p>
<p class="citeauth">Mary Doke</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">iconoclast</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the
performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not
reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would have
other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But
the iconoclast saith: “Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if
the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him
and sit thereon till he squawk it.”</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">idiot</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been
dominant and controlling. The Idiot’s activity is not confined to any special
field of thought or action, but “pervades and regulates the whole.” He has the
last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and
opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct
with a dead-line.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">idleness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A model farm where the
devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">ignoramus</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and
having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">Dumble was an ignoramus,</p>
<p class="poetry">Mumble was for learning famous.</p>
<p class="poetry">Mumble said one day to Dumble:</p>
<p class="poetry">“Ignorance should be more humble.</p>
<p class="poetry">Not a spark have you of knowledge</p>
<p class="poetry">That was got in any college.”</p>
<p class="poetry">Dumble said to Mumble: “Truly</p>
<p class="poetry">You’re self-satisfied unduly.</p>
<p class="poetry">Of things in college I’m denied</p>
<p class="poetry">A knowledge—you of all beside.”</p>
<p class="citeauth">Borelli</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">illuminati</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the sixteenth century; so called
because they were light weights—<i>cunctationes illuminati</i>.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">illustrious</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">imagination</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">imbecility</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">immigrant</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">immodest</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Having a strong sense of one’s own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">There was once a man in Ispahan</p>
<p class="poetry">Ever and ever so long ago,</p>
<p class="poetry">And he had a head, the phrenologists said,</p>
<p class="poetry">That fitted him for a show.</p>
<p class="poetry">For his modesty’s bump was so large a lump</p>
<p class="poetry">(Nature, they said, had taken a freak)</p>
<p class="poetry">That its summit stood far above the wood</p>
<p class="poetry">Of his hair, like a mountain peak.</p>
<p class="poetry">So modest a man in all Ispahan,</p>
<p class="poetry">Over and over again they swore—</p>
<p class="poetry">So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;</p>
<p class="poetry">None ever was found before.</p>
<p class="poetry">Meantime the hump of that awful bump</p>
<p class="poetry">Into the heavens contrived to get</p>
<p class="poetry">To so great a height that they called the wight</p>
<p class="poetry">The man with the minaret.</p>
<p class="poetry">There wasn’t a man in all Ispahan</p>
<p class="poetry">Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:</p>
<p class="poetry">With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung</p>
<p class="poetry">He bragged of that beautiful bump</p>
<p class="poetry">Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page</p>
<p class="poetry">Bearing a sack and a bow-string too,</p>
<p class="poetry">And that gentle child explained as he smiled:</p>
<p class="poetry">“A little present for you.”</p>
<p class="poetry">The saddest man in all Ispahan,</p>
<p class="poetry">Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.</p>
<p class="poetry">“If I’d lived,” said he, “my humility</p>
<p class="poetry">Had given me deathless fame!”</p>
<p class="citeauth">Sukker Uffro</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">immoral</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men
find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.
If man’s notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of
expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if
actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and nowise dependent
on, their consequences—then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">immorality</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">A toy which people cry for,</p>
<p class="poetry">And on their knees apply for,</p>
<p class="poetry">Dispute, contend and lie for,</p>
<p class="poetry">And if allowed</p>
<p class="poetry">Would be right proud</p>
<p class="poetry">Eternally to die for.</p>
<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">impale</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This,
however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an
upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting position.
This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity,
and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the
beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in “churching”
heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the “stoole of repentynge,” and
among the common people it was jocularly known as “riding the one legged
horse.” Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalement is considered the
most appropriate punishment for crimes against religion; and although in China
it is sometimes awarded for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in
cases of sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must be
a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious dissent he was
made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain
satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cock
on the spire of the True Church.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">impartial</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a
controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">impenitence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">impiety</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Your irreverence toward my deity.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">imposition</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The act of blessing
or consecrating by the laying on of hands—a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed
with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">“Lo! by the laying on of hands,”</p>
<p class="poetry">Say parson, priest and dervise,</p>
<p class="poetry">“We consecrate your cash and lands</p>
<p class="poetry">To ecclesiastical service.</p>
<p class="poetry">No doubt you’ll swear till all is blue</p>
<p class="poetry">At such an imposition. Do.”</p>
<p class="poetry">Pollo Doncas</p>
<p class="poetry">impostor n. A rival aspirant to public honors.</p>
<p class="poetry">improbability, <span class="pos">n.</span></p>
<p class="poetry">His tale he told with a solemn face</p>
<p class="poetry">And a tender, melancholy grace.</p>
<p class="poetry">Improbable ‘twas, no doubt,</p>
<p class="poetry">When you came to think it out,</p>
<p class="poetry">But the fascinated crowd</p>
<p class="poetry">Their deep surprise avowed</p>
<p class="poetry">And all with a single voice averred ‘Twas the most amazing thing they’d heard—</p>
<p class="poetry">All save one who spake never a word,</p>
<p class="poetry">But sat as mum</p>
<p class="poetry">As if deaf and dumb,</p>
<p class="poetry">Serene, indifferent and unstirred.</p>
<p class="poetry">Then all the others turned to him And scrutinized him limb from limb—</p>
<p class="poetry">Scanned him alive;</p>
<p class="poetry">But he seemed to thrive</p>
<p class="poetry">And tranquiler grow each minute,</p>
<p class="poetry">As if there were nothing in it.</p>
<p class="poetry">“What! what!” cried one, “are you not amazed</p>
<p class="poetry">At what our friend has told?” He raised</p>
<p class="poetry">Soberly then his eyes and gazed</p>
<p class="poetry">In a natural way</p>
<p class="poetry">And proceeded to say,</p>
<p class="poetry">As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:</p>
<p class="poetry">“O no—not at all; I’m a liar myself.”</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">improvidence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">impunity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Wealth.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">inadmissible</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Not competent to be considered. Said of certain kinds of testimony which juries
are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with, and which judges, therefore,
rule out, even of proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is
inadmissible because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court
for examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, commercial
and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay evidence. There is no
religion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence. Revelation
is hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only the
testimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly established and who
are not known to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as
they now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its
support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be proved that the
battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was such as person as Julius
Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.</p>

<p>But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and
malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence
(including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft
and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges’
decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing
court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human
testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">inauspiciously</span>, <span class="pos">adv.</span> In an unpromising manner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among the Romans
it was customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise to
obtain from the augurs, or state prophets, some hint of its probable outcome;
and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in
observing the flight of birds—the omens thence derived being called <i>auspices</i>. Newspaper reporters and certain
miscreant lexicographers have decided that the word—always in the plural—shall
mean “patronage” or “management”; as, “The festivities were under the auspices
of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers”; or, “The hilarities were
auspicated by the Knights of Hunger.”</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">A Roman slave appeared one day</p>
<p class="poetry">Before the Augur. “Tell me, pray,</p>
<p class="poetry">If—“ here the Augur, smiling, made</p>
<p class="poetry">A checking gesture and displayed</p>
<p class="poetry">His open palm, which plainly itched,</p>
<p class="poetry">For visibly its surface twitched.</p>
<p class="poetry">A <i>denarius</i> (the Latin nickel)</p>
<p class="poetry">Successfully allayed the tickle,</p>
<p class="poetry">And then the slave proceeded: “Please</p>
<p class="poetry">Inform me whether Fate decrees</p>
<p class="poetry">Success or failure in what I</p>
<p class="poetry">To-night (if it be dark) shall try.</p>
<p class="poetry">Its nature? Never mind—I think</p>
<p class="poetry">‘Tis writ on this”—and with a wink</p>
<p class="poetry">Which darkened half the earth, he drew</p>
<p class="poetry">Another denarius to view,</p>
<p class="poetry">Its shining face attentive scanned,</p>
<p class="poetry">Then slipped it into the good man’s hand,</p>
<p class="poetry">Who with great gravity said: “Wait</p>
<p class="poetry">While I retire to question Fate.”</p>
<p class="poetry">That holy person then withdrew</p>
<p class="poetry">His scared clay and, passing through</p>
<p class="poetry">The temple’s rearward gate, cried “Shoo!”</p>
<p class="poetry">Waving his robe of office. Straight</p>
<p class="poetry">Each sacred peacock and its mate</p>
<p class="poetry">(Maintained for Juno’s favor) fled</p>
<p class="poetry">With clamor from the trees o’erhead,</p>
<p class="poetry">Where they were perching for the night.</p>
<p class="poetry">The temple’s roof received their flight,</p>
<p class="poetry">For thither they would always go,</p>
<p class="poetry">When danger threatened them below.</p>
<p class="poetry">Back to the slave the Augur went:</p>
<p class="poetry">“My son, forecasting the event</p>
<p class="poetry">By flight of birds, I must confess</p>
<p class="poetry">The auspices deny success.”</p>
<p class="poetry">That slave retired, a sadder man,</p>
<p class="poetry">Abandoning his secret plan—</p>
<p class="poetry">Which was (as well the craft seer</p>
<p class="poetry">Had from the first divined) to clear</p>
<p class="poetry">The wall and fraudulently seize</p>
<p class="poetry">On Juno’s poultry in the trees.</p>
<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
</div>

<p id="income" class="entry"><span class="def">income</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability, the commonly accepted
standards being artificial, arbitrary and fallacious; for, as “Sir Sycophas
Chrysolater” in the play has justly remarked, “the true use and function of
property (in whatsoever it consisteth—coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff,
or anything which may be named as holden of right to one’s own
subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and all favor
and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but to get money. Hence
it followeth that all things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure of
their serviceableness to that end; and their possessors should take rank in
agreement thereto, neither the lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad
and ancient, nor he who bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper
favorite of a king, being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches
are of daily accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and
rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy.”</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">incompatibility</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility
may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It
has even been known to wear a moustache.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">incompossible</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible
when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for
both—as Walt Whitman’s poetry and God’s mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will
be seen, is only incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as “Go
heel yourself—I mean to kill you on sight,” the words, “Sir, we are
incompossible,” would convey and equally significant intimation and in stately
courtesy are altogether superior.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">Incubus</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of a race of highly improper demons who, though probably not wholly extinct, may
be said to have seen their best nights. For a complete account of <i>incubi</i> and <i>succubi</i>, including <i>incubae</i>
and <i>succubae</i>, see the <i>Liber Demonorum</i> of Protassus (Paris,
1328), which contains much curious information that would be out of place in a
dictionary intended as a text-book for the public schools.</p>

<p>Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself—tempted more than elsewhere
by the beauty of the women, doubtless—sometimes plays at <i>incubus</i>, greatly to the inconvenience and
alarm of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, generally
speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to learn how they might,
in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from their husbands. The holy man
said they must feel his brown for horns; but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a
doubt of the efficacy of the test.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">incumbent</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">indecision</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
chief element of success; “for whereas,” saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, “there is
but one way to do nothing and divers way to do something, whereof, to a surety,
only one is the right way, it followeth that he who from indecision standeth
still hath not so many chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards”—a
most clear and satisfactory exposition on the matter.</p>

<p class="dialog">“Your prompt decision to attack,” said Genera Grant
on a certain occasion to General Gordon Granger, “was admirable; you had but five minutes
to make up your mind in.”</p>

<p class="dialog">“Yes, sir,” answered the victorious subordinate,
“it is a great thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt
whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment—I toss us a copper.”</p>

<p class="dialog">“Do you mean to say that’s what you did this time?”</p>
<p class="dialog">“Yes, General; but for Heaven’s sake don’t reprimand me: I disobeyed the coin.”</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">indifferent</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Imperfectly
sensible to distinctions among things.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">“You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio’s wife,<br />
“You’ve grown indifferent to all in life.”<br />
“Indifferent?” he drawled with a slow smile;<br />
“I would be, dear, but it is not worth while.”</p>
<p class="citeauth">Apuleius M. Gokul</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">indigestion</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious
conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of
the western wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: “Plenty
well, no pray; big bellyache, heap God.”</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">indiscretion</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The guilt of woman.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">inexpedient</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Not calculated
to advance one’s interests.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">infancy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, “Heaven lies about us.” The
world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">Inferiae,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices
for propitation of the <i>Dii Manes</i>, or souls of the dead heroes;
for the pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual
needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor might
say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising materials. It was
while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest
of Aulis, was favored with an audience of that illustrious warrior’s shade, who
prophetically recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of
Christianity, giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events
down to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at the point,
owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted King
of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine mediaeval flavor to this
story, and as it has not been traced back further than Pere Brateille, a pious
but obscure writer at the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on
the side of presumption in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel’s
judgment of the matter might be different; and to that I bow—wow.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">infidel</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In New
York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople,
one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and
niggardly contributory to, divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons,
monks, mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes,
nuns, missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins,
brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, primates, prebendaries,
pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops,
bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers,
curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries,
diocesans, deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons,
hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins,
postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons,
reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, mudjoes,
readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers,
dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suffragans, acolytes,
rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and pumpums.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">influence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In politics,
a visionary <i>quo</i> given in exchange for a substantial <i>quid</i>.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">Infalapsarian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind
to—in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person’s
fall was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called
Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their
views about Adam.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">Two theologues once, as they wended their way</p>
<p class="poetry">To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray—</p>
<p class="poetry">An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,</p>
<p class="poetry">Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.<br />
“’Twas Predestination,” cried one—“for the Lord<br />
Decreed he should fall of his own accord.”<br />
“Not so—‘twas Free will,” the other maintained,<br />
“Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained.”<br />
So fierce and so fiery grew the debate<br />
That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate;</p>
<p class="poetry">So off flew their
cassocks and caps to the ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands went
round. Ere either had proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning,
the fight, A gray old professor of Latin came by, A staff in his hand and a
scowl in his eye, And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still As they
clumsily sparred they disputed with skill Of foreordination freedom of will)</p>
<p class="poetry">Cried: “Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:</p>
<p class="poetry">Atwixt ye’s no
difference worthy of blows. The sects ye belong to—I’m ready to swear Ye
wrongly interpret the names that they bear. <i>You</i>
&#8212;Infralapsarian son of a clown!&#8212;</p>
<p class="poetry">Should only contend that Adam slipped down;</p>
<p class="poetry">While <i>you</i>&#8212;you Supralapsarian pup!&#8212;</p>
<p class="poetry">Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.</p>
<p class="poetry">It’s all the same whether up or down</p>
<p class="poetry">You slip on a peel of banana brown.</p>
<p class="poetry">Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,</p>
<p class="poetry">But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!</p>
<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
</div>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">ingrate</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">“All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic. “Nay,”</p>
<p class="poetry">The good philanthropist replied;</p>
<p class="poetry">“I did great service to a man one day</p>
<p class="poetry">Who never since has cursed me to repay,</p>
<p class="poetry">Nor vilified.”</p>
<p class="poetry">“Ho!” cried the cynic, “lead me to him straight—</p>
<p class="poetry">With veneration I am overcome,</p>
<p class="poetry">And fain would have his blessing.” “Sad your fate—</p>
<p class="poetry">He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state</p>
<p class="poetry">This man is dumb.”</p>
<p class="citeauth">Ariel Selp</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">injury</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">injustice</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is
lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">ink</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used
to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The
properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to make
reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is
most generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones
of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal
quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established
ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not
infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much
to get out.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">innate</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Natural,
inherent—as innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having
had them previously imparted to us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the
most admirable faiths of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore
inaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given
it “a black eye.” Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one’s
ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one’s country, in the
superiority of one’s civilization, in the importance of one’s personal affairs
and in the interesting nature of one’s diseases.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">in’ards</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not class
the soul as an in’ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr.
Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ known as the spleen is
nothing less than our important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P.
Servis holds that man’s soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which
forms the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points
confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these
two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing both.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">inscription</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Something
written on another thing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial,
intended to commemorate the fame of some illustrious person and hand down to
distant ages the record of his services and virtues. To this class of
inscriptions belongs the name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington
monument. Following are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See
EPITAPH.)</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">“In the sky my soul is found,</p>
<p class="poetry">And my body in the ground.</p>
<p class="poetry">By and by my body’ll rise</p>
<p class="poetry">To my spirit in the skies,</p>
<p class="poetry">Soaring up to Heaven’s gate.</p>
<p class="poetry">1878.”</p>
<p class="poetry">“Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9<sup>th</sup>, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos.
and 12 ds. Indigenous.”</p>
<p class="poetry">“Affliction sore long time she boar,</p>
<p class="poetry">Phisicians was in vain,</p>
<p class="poetry">Till Deth released the dear deceased</p>
<p class="poetry">And left her a remain.</p>
<p class="poetry">Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss.”</p>
<p class="poetry">“The clay that rests beneath this stone</p>
<p class="poetry">As Silas Wood was widely known.</p>
<p class="poetry">Now, lying here, I ask what good</p>
<p class="poetry">It was to let me be S. Wood.</p>
<p class="poetry">O Man, let not ambition trouble you,</p>
<p class="poetry">Is the advice of Silas W.”</p>
<p class="citeauth">“Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had the dust brushed off him Oct.
3, 1874.”</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">insectivora</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">“See,” cries the chorus of admiring preachers, “How Providence provides for all His creatures!”</p>
<p class="poetry">“His care,” the gnat said, “even the insects follows:</p>
<p class="poetry">For us He has provided wrens and swallows.”</p>
<p class="citeauth">Sempen Railey</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">insurance</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the
comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.</p>

<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: My
dear sir, that is a fine house—pray let me insure it.</p>

<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so low that by the
time when, according to the tables of your actuary, it will probably be
destroyed by fire I will have paid you considerably less than the face of the policy.</p>

<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no—we could not afford to do that. </p>

<p class="dialog">We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more.</p>

<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can <i>I</i> afford <i>that</i>?</p>

<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house may burn down at any time. </p>

<p class="dialog">There was Smith’s house, for example, which—</p>

<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: Spare me—there were Brown’s house, on the contrary, and
Jones’s house, and Robinson’s house, which—</p>

<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: Spare <i>me</i>!</p>

<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay you money on the
supposition that something will occur previously to the time set by yourself
for its occurrence. In other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not
last so long as you say that it will probably last.</p>

<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: But if your house burns without insurance it will be a total loss.</p>

<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon—by your own actuary’s tables I shall probably
have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I would otherwise have paid to
you—amounting to more than the face of the policy they would have bought. But
suppose it to burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are
based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were insured?</p>

<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves whole from our luckier ventures
with other clients. Virtually, they pay your loss.</p>

<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don’t I help to pay their losses? Are not
their houses as likely as mine to burn before they have paid you as much as you
must pay them? The case stands this way: you expect to take more money from
your clients than you pay to them, do you not?</p>

<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; if we did not—</p>

<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with my money. Very well then. If it is <i>certain</i>, with
reference to the whole body of your clients, that they lose money on you it is <i>probable</i>, with
reference to any one of them, that <i>he</i> will. It is these individual
probabilities that make the aggregate certainty.</p>

<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: I will not deny it—but look at the figures in this pamph—</p>

<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid!</p>

<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would otherwise pay to
me. Will you not be more likely to squander them? We offer you an incentive to thrift.</p>

<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: The willingness of A to take care of B’s money is not peculiar to
insurance, but as a charitable institution you command esteem. Deign to accept
its expression from a Deserving Object.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">insurrection</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection’s failure to substitute misrule for bad government.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">intention</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
mind’s sense of the prevalence of one set of influences over another set; an
effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate or remote, of the performance of
an involuntary act.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">interpreter</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by
repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter’s advantage for
the other to have said.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">interregnum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
period during which a monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the
cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has
commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy
persons to make it warm again.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">intimacy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue</p>
<p class="poetry">And one in white, together drew</p>
<p class="poetry">And having each a pleasant sense</p>
<p class="poetry">Of t’other powder’s excellence,</p>
<p class="poetry">Forsook their jackets for the snug</p>
<p class="poetry">Enjoyment of a common mug.</p>
<p class="poetry">So close their intimacy grew</p>
<p class="poetry">One paper would have held the two.</p>
<p class="poetry">To confidences straight they fell,</p>
<p class="poetry">Less anxious each to hear than tell;</p>
<p class="poetry">Then each remorsefully confessed</p>
<p class="poetry">To all the virtues he possessed,</p>
<p class="poetry">Acknowledging he had them in</p>
<p class="poetry">So high degree it was a sin.</p>
<p class="poetry">The more they said, the more they felt</p>
<p class="poetry">Their spirits with emotion melt,</p>
<p class="poetry">Till tears of sentiment expressed</p>
<p class="poetry">Their feelings. Then they effervesced!</p>
<p class="poetry">So Nature executes her feats</p>
<p class="poetry">Of wrath on friends and sympathetes</p>
<p class="poetry">The good old rule who don’t apply,</p>
<p class="poetry">That you are you and I am I.</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">introduction</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and
the plaguing of his enemies. The introduction attains its most malevolent
development in this century, being, indeed, closely related to our political
system. Every American being the equal of every other American, it follows that
everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to
introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of Independence should
have read thus:</p>

<p class="quote">“We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are
endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are
life, and the right to make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an
incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the liberty to
introduce persons to one another without first ascertaining if they are not
already acquainted as enemies; and the pursuit of another’s happiness with a
running pack of strangers.”</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">inventor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and
believes it civilization.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">irreligion</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
principal one of the great faiths of the world.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">itch</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
patriotism of a Scotchman.</p>


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